- My Ex Boyfriend And I Still Hook Up (How Can I Get Him To Commit)
- 54 thoughts on “My Ex Boyfriend And I Still Hook Up (How Can I Get Him To Commit)”
- 9 Simple Rules For Successfully Sleeping With Your Ex
- 138 thoughts on “EBR 018: I Hooked Up With My Ex… Now What?”
He started seeing another girl during this time. It just so happened that I was implementing the 30 day no contact rule during this time. I was working on myself, getting into the best shape of my life and getting back to school. A few weeks later, he started texting me. Eventually, we hooked up. I was listening to one of your podcasts about always leaving a man wanting more.
He keeps telling me all these things that are confusing. What do I do? Thanks for leaving this great voicemail for me to feature on the podcast. The format of the show takes questions from visitors that come to the website. I think I really have a good game plan for her today. She was with her ex for four years. Four months ago, they broke up. After the breakup, he started seeing another girl. It was during this time that Maggie started doing the 30 day no contact rule. It seems like she did it to perfection. She worked on herself.
She got in the best shape of her life and the results shone through. Her ex came back to her, or at least wanted to come back to her. He started reaching out to her through text messages. Text messages turned into flirting. Then flirting turned into hooking up, which is a no-no.
First, I want to congratulate you, Maggie, on getting through the no contact rule successfully and implementing it perfectly.
In a way, it did work. The no contact rule worked for you. For the listeners who are on the fence about doing the no contact rule, it works. The proof is in the pudding right here. We have a live case study example from Maggie. I want to talk about why it was a mistake. The mistake you made was hooking up with your boyfriend when he did not commit to you.
This is one of the negatives of the no contact rule. It makes things worse on your ex-boyfriend because it increases your interest in him. Yesterday, I talked about a two-pronged approach with the no contact rule in Episode Thirty days is a long time for a lot of women. In a perfect world, you would not have hooked up with him until he committed. I think we can all agree with that. Why is it a mistake? In my opinion, it lowers your value.
I talked about this in the friends with benefits episode. In that episode, I talked about value. Men are hardwired to hunt for women. Of course, we want to hunt the woman who is the highest value target. Men always want the woman who is the bigger and better deal. Maybe the way she looks does matter. If he sees a woman who is a bigger and better deal than the current deal he has right now, he is going to be interested in that deal. Men are just hardwired to hunt. My game plan for you, Maggie, revolves specifically around becoming a bigger and better deal for him. You become a better deal that he cannot find anywhere else.
It just so happens that being a bigger and better deal coincides with leaving him wanting more and being a higher value girl than anyone in his life right now. Before I get into the game plan, I want to mention something that might be a little alarming with your ex-boyfriend. After the breakup, he found a new girl. They go on the rebound. The way you structured the question made it seem that the two of you hooked up with each other while he was dating this other girl. I may be completely off base. He may have broken up with the new girl first and then hooked up with you.
This is alarming to me because it means he cheated on his current girlfriend. I know you want him back, Maggie. You are laser focused on that one goal. You want him back.
That thought is not going to go away. You may not be able to deal with that emotionally. The fear of that happening to you, of him finding a bigger and better deal and cheating on you, is going to remain. I would say to proceed with caution, Maggie. Really think this through if you want him back or not.
I may be completely off base here. Understand that this is a risk you potentially may face in the future if you do get him back. I wanted to throw that out there for you, Maggie. Hopefully, that will help you make your decision. My game plan is going to be centered around becoming a bigger and better deal than anything out there. You made a mistake by hooking up with him. You lost your value and you did not leave him wanting more. You gave up the whole cake. Rather than just giving him a small slice of the cake, you gave him the whole cake. You lose your value that way. Right now, your top priority is getting your value back.
In order to do that, you do need to go into the no contact rule. Let him run back to that girl. It seems like, at least at one point, you were the bigger and better deal for him. Again, I gave you my disclaimer with my thoughts on that. So what if he runs back to that other girl?
Have more confidence in yourself and your abilities to influence him. You can get him to leave that girl. You can get him to come back to you.
My Ex Boyfriend And I Still Hook Up (How Can I Get Him To Commit)
What I will say is, if you have confidence in yourself, your chances of that happening will increase. Go right back into no contact. After the no contact rule, I want you to flirt with him the exact same way that you flirted with him before that made you hook up with him. There will be one difference this time. You are not going to hook up with him. You are showing him the entire cake.
You need to understand that this will make him mad, but it will also raise your value. At this point, when he does come back wanting more cake, friend zone him. I talked about this in the friend zone episode. I will link to that in the show notes of this episode. Then you can listen to that and understand how to friend zone a guy. After the friend zone, I want you to lay down the law. After the friend zone, you will be enough value for him. You will be the bigger and better deal. That was Episode You leave him wanting more. He will come back for more, most likely.
There is something powerful in doing that. We will never be together. I think the number one mistake women make when they try to get their exes back is that they do so from a position of weakness. What I just explained to you with this game plan is how to get him back from a position of power. I have no problem walking away from this. I am higher value. I am so confident in myself that I can find someone way better than you.
You should be begging me to take you back. Then we will never be together. Then go into a mini no contact rule for seven days. Repeat this process over and over again. You will always have him on your hook. He will always be left wanting more. He will always want you, Maggie. That is what you need to do. You need to accomplish this if you want him back.
Again, I always want you to keep in mind that, if he did cheat on his new girlfriend with you, that may make you happy that you got him to cheat on his girlfriend. That is a big assumption. If you want to learn more about how you can get your ex back from a position of strength as opposed to weakness, please check out my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery.
Maggie, this will end the game plan for you and the episode. If you have not subscribed or left a review on iTunes for this podcast, please do so. Just leave an honest one. Tell me what you think. We need those reviews to continue to thrive on iTunes. Quite frankly, we are not doing what I hoped to be doing.
I need the listeners here at Ex-Boyfriend Recovery to please help this podcast so that I can continue doing it. I hope you have a good week. My ex and I have been texting and we actually had a fun date tonight. I pulled away from him before he kissed me and teased me a bit but then he pulled me in and kissed me. However when he got home he wanted pictures from me and I sent them. What can I do about this? I want to be seen as someone of value.
I did the no contact rule for a month without interruptions, improved myself, became an ungetable girl, started talking through texts, then calls, then we started going out.
54 thoughts on “My Ex Boyfriend And I Still Hook Up (How Can I Get Him To Commit)”
He was suddenly moving out of the country, so he begged to see me and we ended having sex. When he canceled his trip, I talked and asked to take things slowly with exclusivity. We have been doing for 5 weeks, the past 3 I denied having sex with him and he got really mad. Should I just wait? I hope you stick to nc.. I went through the same thing.. And in the works of hooking up more in the couple months which he initiated. I get the feeling that he still want to work it out but afraid to commit to me..
I really need an advice.. Dont devalue yourself by continuing to do that.. If you dont want, at least stop sleeping with him.. Hi, I am in desperate need for advice. I was dating this guy for four years. After 8 months he started reaching out to me and told me he wanted me back. I gave in, we started visiting each other LDR and acting like we were dating again. Well I cut him off for months and now he is back again. We started texting, then going on dates, and ultimately I slept with him a few times while he was in town. We are still long distance for the time being, but I do miss him in my life.
Please let me know what I should do from here. Hi, So we spent that weekend together and he has been coming to visit every couple weeks. How do I ask him where this is going without scaring him away? I want to either commit or move on… I fear he is having his cake and eating it too with me and although we have only been doing this for 1. It will just make you friends with benefits.. I will look at that. Do I agree to go? I just went through something similar.
I have a question, though. I just completely ignored him until the 30 days passed. Or will this cause him to shut me out completely? Hi Chris, I am in a similar situation with my ex. He asked me again to meet for a movie 2 weeks after the dating, and we slept together. I felt he was using me so I told him about it and he said he never do it again….. So, I have not done no contact at all for the past 3 months, but I started feeling like his feelings for me is disappearing as the frequency of texting from him is getting less and he has stopped to engage emotional conversations.
He was very gentle as always, but he kept the line as a friend. I noticed that he has added many girls on FB approx. We simply danced, but not partying. I said I waited for 3 months and I had enough. I refused to be friend. I was pretty upset so i also wrote good-bye. And the other choice you have is to move on.. We recently met a lot and talked a lot and even slept together once. I really think we have compatible personalities and always have fun together even as friends.
We both are 22 and have been together since We used to be friends before we were a couple and have many common friends. I moved to study abroad 2 years ago and we kept seeing each other every month or so and spent summer and Christmas holidays together. I noticed he seemed less enthusiastic about visiting me during the last year so it was mostly me visiting him. Then he told me he liked me a lot but was not in love with me anymore. If he really finds happiness with someone else I would be happy for him and I think I could also meet someone, but I also hope we still have a chance together in the future because we really fit good together and are like best friends.
Is not liking and finding someone attractive enough to fall in love? You need to create desire by having space apart. In a previous version of this article I admitted I hooked up before he committed and am now finding myself in the dreaded friend with benefits zone. He acts like the perfect boyfriend with me, but still no commitment. I no longer know if I really am helping him to change by staying close or not. I want to be there for him, in sickness and health, like he is for me.
I expected him to tell me how much he was touched, that it would make him realize what he has. No contact for 7 days. Should I follow through the whole week or talk again tomorrow? I plan on bringing my A-game that night. Is weekend enough or should I really push it without feeling bad doing so. I feel he deserves me giving him a hard time for once! Is it not obvious that I have to spell it out and answer?
But this is making me unhappy. I know he loves me deeply, but I no longer am sure that he is in love with me.
It makes me feel rejected and makes me want to take my distance for real and not just to get him back or get him to change. What I mean by being ready to lose somebody, is that you have to set your standards and be clear what your deal breakers are and what things you can forgive. I figured its best to tell my story here for advice. Alright so I was my boyfriend for over a year. We are in our late 20s and yes still live at home! Things were amazing between us until March.
He grew distant and cold towards me for about a week, and then broke up with me. Since the break up I went into 25 day NC. He never contacted me. He joined a gym and sports team. Which made me feel maybe he just needed space from me because we practically lived together at his house. Anyways after the NC period I texted him on his happy birthday.
Then he ended up texting me about bumping into someone I know, and we had a nice conversation.
9 Simple Rules For Successfully Sleeping With Your Ex
He even asked to go over and have sangria but I was busy. He initiated another meet up but then bailed a minute after suggesting it. I was upset about it because I was excited to see him. He ended up saying he made plans with a girl instead. I got jealous and freaked out. Asked if it was a date and who she was etc. I ended up finding out who she was.
His best friend Aaron has a girlfriend named Carly. Also, he did not mention to Aaron or any of his other friends he hung put with Amy although Amy is friends with his friends. I never met her. I did meet up with him the next week I initiated it. Although I intended on sleeping on the couch I ended up in his bed and we slept together. I left for work the next morning and that night he invited me over with his 2 friends. One of the friends was Amy! She was drunk and was going to walk with his other friend to sleep at their house. I offered to drive them but she was like no you stay.
I stayed at my Exes, and well slept with him again. I was sober and I just felt used. He basically told me to leave the next morning even though we had the day off.
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- I Hooked Up With My Ex Now What?.
I felt good because it seemed Amy was not a threat. However, a week later last week I find out she spent 2 nights friday and Saturday so the whole weekend at his place. I ended up meeting my ex 2 days after that and sadly spent the night again. But saw evidence in his garbage that he slept with someone. My guess is obviously Amy. However he did not know that she spent Saturday night too.
I saw him again this week 2 days ago , and well hooked up with him again. It was really good between us but as usual he did not cuddle me and I left the next morning. I only see him later, and I always leave in the morning. Unlike her who seems to be allowed stay the next day. He is clearly messaging her more than me. Also, he is hiding his meet ups with Amy from his friends but tells them when he hangs out with me. I doubt he wants anything serious with her, and well I doubt he is going to parade her in front of his friends. Especially his best friend Aaron.
On top of it, he lives with his mom! His mom can clearly see he is juggling the 2 of us. Should I continue seeing him and not sleep with him? This situation seems hopeless because even if I cut him off from sex he is clearly getting it from Amy. Since my last comment, my ex invited me to a movie 2 weeks ago but he did not ask me to spend the night. It was super late at night and a relative was staying the week so maybe it was because of that? That hurt and I asked if there was an issue or problem between us.
After this conversation he ignored my texts. I was confused because he claimed we were cool. I tried days later. He knows he can get away with it too because he knows he has me wrapped around his finger. I wanted to show him this is not the case. I know it was dramatic but I needed to get his attention…. I asked him what he expected from me. This conversation happened 5 days ago. I did text him today to see if we could do something this week.
But I would like to have successful text conversation and hang outs. What do you suggest I do to raise my value in his eyes and make him want to talk and see me? I also snuck a peek at his phone quickly last time I was over and saw they message constantly super flirty, and well he stopped being flirty with me the moment she came into the picture. I have a feeling he wants to commit to Amy and is scared to tell me. It will give me a fresh start. See if he initiates and actually cares about me enough to want to see me and know whats going on in my life. Any other suggestions to help my case when he practically has a new girlfriend?
The truh is, he would likely not care or not notice if you nc because he has a new girl.. O but another event has happened.
138 thoughts on “EBR 018: I Hooked Up With My Ex… Now What?”
I wasnt sure what to say. But I simply said I know its ok. And I questioned why all of a sudden he is having this talk with me in the back of my mind I thought maybe he wants to commit to Amy. I did in the past because sex is great. He seemed to have more in his mind. Not knowing how to bring her up. Guilty that he would still sleep with me even though they are clearly something. When Wednesday happened I thought we were on the road to being back together. Now Sunday night he is friend zoning me. I have no idea how to proceed.
Do I even have a chance of getting him back? What can I do to help my chances? I think you became too available.. Try to do a mini nc, like nc and then after that do a jealousy moves as well and continue to do what you started in your first nc to improve yourself.
More has happened since the softball night Wednesday. I went to his place Friday after work. Certain subjects can touch a nerve, and the awkwardness and pain that might follow aren't worth the momentary bliss of an orgasm. Forget about post-sex snuggling. Cuddling can send the wrong message, says Needle, or cause one or both of you to feel an emotional attachment again. Spooning, hand-holding, and even meaningful eye gazing after sex with your ex could lead to confusion or hurt.
Fall asleep once the action is over, or take off and sleep in your own bed. Refrain from drunk dialing. Doing couply things with your ex like you used to—staying home watching Netflix, or agreeing to attend a work or family function together—will make it hard to not second guess your feelings. Because it's so hard to be sure about your feelings, some experts advise never having sex with an ex ever. Here's How to Tell. She throws her support behind making a clean break.
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